In today's time of increased divorce rates and family breakdowns there is an increasing incidence of blended families. This is where parents with children from previous relationships meet, and surprise surprise, fall in love and get together.

Such parents are often a little older and a little wiser (but not always). And of course, they come complete with kids - its usually a package deal!

However, often the kids of the respective families have not fallen in love with anyone, in fact sometimes they have not even met each other, and suddenly they are in a situation where mum or dad suddenly have someone else very special and they now have "some playmates" on a permanent basis.

Sometimes the situation is a bit of a shock!

And this can create problems for those newly in love parents, who want the best for their children, but not at the price of their new relationship! Of course some blended families blend beautifully and there are no problems or difficulties, however, this is not always the case, and when blended families do not get along, there can be problems!

One of many factors that determine the likelihood of problems in the blended family is the age of the children, another is how they have been raised in the past and most importantly, (a big factor) is how self confident they are.

If the children are insecure, they may feel threatened by the new situation and react in an adverse manner. Being rebellious and naughty are common reactions. Bed wetting and not sleeping are other common reactions. Not to mention step sibling rivalry!

A big problem is that parents do not always recognise these behaviours as indicators of adjustment problems in the blended family. Rather, they can see it as the child/children being difficult and disruptive, and so they apply more "discipline" to correct the aberrant behaviour, and inadvertently make the situation worse! We want to avoid this!

Now the big question is how does the family cope when it becomes a blended family? And what do the parents do when one or more children become problematic?

Well a lot depends on how the children have been brought up. After all, we are all a product of our environment and that environment will determine how we react to things. Because children in a blended family are from different family environments they react differently to any situation. Sometimes the reaction is functional and sometimes it is not.

Lets look at an example. In family part A, the kids are used to having to do everything for themselves and there is a lot of sibling rivalry. In family part B, the kids are used to getting the parent to do everything, including picking up the clothes off the floor, help with homework, do the washing, cook meals, and of course, entertain the children! So, now we blend the family together and we develop a situation where one group of kids have the expectation that they will be waited upon, hand and foot, while the other group look after themselves, but start to feel that the first lot are getting an unfair advantage. The sibling rivalry increases and creates an us vs them situation, which ensures that very little blending takes place! There is potential for more conflict. And in the middle are two hapless parents trying to have a family, engender a marriage and live happily forever after!

It's usually a tough situation that needs to be addressed in a carefully planned way. Wading in with a disciplinarian approach will succeed in suppressing the overt behaviour, but will not solve the problem and a few years later will result in a disjointed family, us and them, and some parents who will be pretty disappointed at the way things turned out.

I could go on about the problem, but I think you get my drift. So, lets look at what to do!

The solution is to plan!

But before you can plan you have to have an agreed approach. The parents of the family have a number of options and in choosing any of them they need to agree and have clear insight into the situation. So it is important to assess the situation. First, ask yourselves what you expect from your children, and ask whether those expectations are realistic or unrealistic. Compare notes and find out what each of you have as goal for your children (do you have any goals?). Think about the likely problem areas and discuss strategies that you can employ, before an incident occurs. Being prepared is very important.

Discuss what each of you expects regarding discipline, control, chores, household activities etc. Do you use common parenting techniques? Why not? Do you both agree about what is right and what is wrong? It may seem obvious to you, but that does not mean that it is obvious to your partner!

So, there are lots to discuss between the two of you, and it is important that you do so early, rather than in a baptism of fire, where you have to do a lot of thinking on your feet!

Back to the planning! Planning is about anticipating a problem, looking at the range of options, prioritising them and then putting them into action, and then finally, being consistent. Once you both sit down and talk about the common problems that are likely to occur in the blended family the family will start to look a lot more manageable and less overwhelming. Don't forget that sitting down and talking about problems that have just occurred and working what to do next time, is time well spent!

Often Family Meetings are very helpful. This is where the parents pick a good time or place to sit down with everyone and talk about cooperation, fairness, loving, respect, rules and so on. Don't make the mistake of laying down the rules. We live in a democracy (at least last time I looked), and confrontation is a last resort option, not a first resort option. Family meetings can be fun, educative, bonding and are usually very helpful. They are a useful tool. Use it!

Don't forget that there may be some non custodial parents who may be doing their bit to sabotage the happy family. If this is the case, planning is the solution again. Knee jerk reactions rarely fix things in this regard.

Finally, because I am running out of space, blending the family is about attitude and leading by example. Double standards are dysfunctional and make a fertile ground for mayhem. Being consistent encourages confidence and cooperation.