SMACKING

Life is busy enough as it is being a parent, that we don't need extra hassles and dramas from the kids. So sometimes we try to control their behaviour by using some sort of discipline. A commonly considered technique is smacking!

Smacking is an interesting phenomenon because there is this myth that it doesn't hurt! Yet if you have ever been hit by anyone, whether you deserved it or not, you will have noticed that it hurt! And yet many parents don't actually think of this when they smack in their children.

Smacking is also considered by many to be an OK thing to do to children. The belief is that it's a good way to make children obey you and keep them under control and the results are alleged to be instant! However as is often the case in such things, this is just another myth, that has nothing to do with reality.

Sure, you can smack kids and they will often stop what they are doing, but the problem is it will create a whole host of other behaviour problems that will replace the one being suppressed instead! Also, after a while the effect of smacking has less and less impact upon the child (excuse that pun) and we find that parents start "smacking" harder and harder to get the effect they are looking for.

Let me give you an example.

Recently, I saw a 3 year old break away from mum and grandmother, who were at the shops, and run to the start of the UP escalator. Mum was quick off the bat and intercepted the child by grabbing her by the arm and pulling her away from the entrance of the escalator. All in all, not a bad save, but the child was in no danger really, it was just a save from the inconvenience of having to go up an escalator after the run away kid, who obviously has thought they were going up the escalator.

Everything was going fine right up to this point. Then mum grabbed the child and started to "smack" the child on its bottom, while lecturing on the child at the same time. The problem was the child showed no reaction. So mum smacked harder, and then harder again! Still no reaction. After a while mum stopped smacking and the 3 year old ran off ahead again! Completely unfazed.

I am sure that the "smack "did hurt because I heard the sound of the impact from where I was standing and saw the child's body sway with each hit, but it was obvious that this hitting stuff had occurred many a time in the past and the child had learnt not to cry, or show any emotion when being punished in this way. This is a good example of the ineffectiveness of smacking. It was also a good example of a mum who's frustration was making her continue to use a disciplinary technique that was not working.

There are those parents who still consider that smacking or hitting children is an acceptable means of discipline and is completely within their right as parents. I would advise those same parents to seek legal advice to see if they are correct, because the world has changed. There are many laws that had been passed in this country and some of them govern what is acceptable behaviour from parents in their dealings with their children. Be careful.

Legislation aside, think of the psychological consequences of smacking your children. Smacking teaches children that their parents are quite capable of hurting them! Smacking teaches children that parents are not always kind and loving, but are capable of being angry, aggressive or irritable. Smacking teaches children to smack other children! -- a constant problem at schools! Smacking reinforces the violent behaviour that children see on television as being OK. In reality the effects of smacking are far reaching, and usually not in the direction we anticipate!

By now I am sure I have some readers who will be saying, "Yeah, that's all fine, but how do we control the kids if we can't smack them?". And that is a legitimate question to which I would say controlling kids and smacking are two different things.

Controlling children's behaviour is all about management. That is, managing the environment, life and circumstances of a child has a direct effect on the child's behaviour.

To give an obvious example that all parents are familiar with, if we make our children tired, then they get very irritable, uncooperative, unreasonable and will not obey instruction given to them by their parents. Smacking them at this point will not only be ineffective in the controlling their behaviour, it will actually make the situation worse!

The better solution to the problem is either not make them tired, feed them or don't make a stand when they are tired. So the issue is about managing the situation rather than suppressing specific behaviours by smacking.

Managing the situation, or the behaviour, or the circumstance is easily achieved with the use of planning and a little fore thought. This means understanding what you're trying to achieve regarding the children and looking at the best ways to achieve that.

Parents often forget that little bodies have less tolerance to fatigue and stress. And they simply run out of puff earlier than we do, although sometimes, because we are tired, the opposite seems to be the case. So planning to the day, weekend and so on is very important. Think ahead, plan ahead.

But to change the flow just a little, let's talk about modifying bad behaviour, which is what smacking is commonly used for.

Firstly, let's be quite clear - bad behaviour is the result of poor planning and very bad management of children. This means we have made a number of mistakes to get to this point and now we are trying to salvage the situation. Not the best position to start out in.

The range of bad behaviours that children can become involved in is very broad and varied. And like all things, each behaviour needs to be addressed individually and on its own merit. Having said that there are a number of principles, which can be a useful guide in what to do next.

Firstly, it is safe to assume that what you have done so far has not worked! So don't bother wasting time and energy repeating it! This is the point where it is usually valuable to be a lateral thinker, or seek advice.

Secondly, a common problem with behaviour modification is that often the undesirable behaviour increases in intensity and occurrence when the behaviour modification program is first introduced! So many a parent gives up before the program has had the opportunity to make any ground. Its important, once you have worked out your strategy that you remain consistent and keep going!

Thirdly, the attitude and perspective you take is very important. Modifying behaviour while angry, resentful and frustrated will guarantee failure! You need to be level headed, calm and if you want to be really successful - loving!

There is no guaranteed specific recipe for modifying children's behaviour. Each behaviour needs to be addressed on its own merits and be considered against the big picture. Also, look at why the behaviour is a problem. Many a time I have had discussions with parents over their children's behaviour, and ended up talking about parental behaviour!

Space limits what I can say here, but a good rule of thumb approach in dealing with children and modifying or managing their behaviour is to simply - think!