LAST ARTICLE

In my last article I wrote about Yelling and the destructive role it plays in raising children.  I discussed the way yelling causes increased levels of stress for parent and child, and how it has very little benefit for either.  I also discussed why some parents yell and how it can become a viscous circle of yelling (often with the child yelling back).  In fairness, I also discussed how frustration, stress and anxiety can sometimes motivate us to yell at our kids, and that this was a temptation that all parents face (on a day to day basis – I might add).

But I also suggested that there was an alternative to yelling, and this is what I want to talk about in this issue.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

Last issue I spoke about Positive Reinforcement.  A basic and simple parenting technique that can control and influence our children until the day they die, and that means long after we have left this mortal coil!  Positive Reinforcement is a way of influencing, controlling and developing our children.  It is a simplistic idea that can be applied to the role of raising children in a range of sophisticated ways that result in perfectly behaved children that are loving and lovable!

Sounds great doesn’t it?  But like all things in life, you do not get something for nothing.  Use of Positive Reinforcement must be consistent, sincere and used with fore thought.  Let me explain.

DOG TRAINING

Think of training your dog (or cat).  Most people are familiar with the idea that in dog training you praise the dog for when it does the right thing and withdraw love and praise when the dog does not do the right thing.  All dogs seek love and praise from their master.  They will do almost anything for love and affection (and I might add so will I and most other people!).  Most dog trainers will tell you that hitting or yelling at your dog when it does not do the right thing will usually make things worse, and slow down the role of training significantly.  So the consistent and patient use of praise with a dog, over time, will get you a well trained, lovable companion.

Now if we substitute the word “praise” with the word “positive reinforcement”, and we substitute the word “dog” with the word “child” – then we have the perfect formula for having perfectly behaved children who we love and who loves us!

Essentially, Positive Reinforcement is a way of rewarding children for doing the things we want them to do.  And giving them no reward if they do things we do not want them to do.  Applying this technique in a consistent and patient manner, over time, will get us a loving and lovable child!

Let me give you an example.  When my wife and I were teaching our 4 year old (who is now 41/2) to help clear the table after dinner, we said things like “my goodness, what a very good girl for helping mummy and daddy put away the dishes, you have made us feel very happy and we are proud of you!”.  We then carried on a conversation between us, that the 4 year old could hear, where we both commented to each other about how pleased we were to be helped by the 4 year old.  After a few nights of this, that same 4 year old helps not only with the dishes, but with lots of other things as well (sometimes we feel a bit over helped).  How long did it take?  Just a few nights!  We have applied this to other tasks around the house with similar results.

Let me clarify that our objective was to teach the 4 year some life skills – not to give her chores around the house.  So we only ask for help with table clearing from time to time – not all the time.  That’s just our philosophy – it may not be yours.

It is all about simply praising your children for doing the right thing for you and not undermining that action by yelling or worse, hitting them, when they do not obey.  So the consistent and patient application of Positive Reinforcement, or if you would like to call it – love and affection, to our children, over time, gives them quality parental interaction and gives the parent an increasingly reasonable and obedient child.  A win/win situation.  Rewarding your child for doing good things not only reinforces that behaviour, but avoids that yelling and frustration cycle that I discussed last issue (if you want of copy of last issue – ring my office).

I should mention that if you have already established a different interaction pattern with your child, involving yelling, criticism, anger and so on – then you are likely to find the benefits of this new approach to be a little slow in the early stages, but you will get improvement over time.  So it is important to persist, but do remember that you will get cooperative and obedient children who will love you for it!

SO HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Simple.  Treat your children the way you would like to be treated.  Tell them when they have done good, reward them with praise as often as you can, be patient when they stuff up (after all they are still learning) and take an interest in what they say and do.  As they get older, and you get better at doing this – you get a cumulative effect when very little effort is required to get the desired change in behaviour.  Put simply – praise your children a lot and often, don’t hit them and don’t yell at them.