One of the most difficult aspects of parenthood is when the stress and pressure gets so overwhelming that the frustration levels skyrocket and the next minute we are yelling at the kids.

At that time we feel angry, agitated and upset.  The yelling feels justified and we feel vindicated.  A few minutes later we feel guilty, upset with ourselves for losing our temper at someone we love and care for, and for obviously making the situation worse.

Some people justify their yelling by saying that this is the only way they can control the kids, or they only do it once in a while, or that the kids do not listen anyway – so what difference does it make?  Let me assure you it makes a BIG difference.

WHY DO WE YELL?

Yelling is the end result of frustration, which in turn is the end result of expectations not being met.  So, why are expectations not being met?  Sometimes, because the expectations are unreasonable.  Let me explain.

We all like kids to behave, but is it reasonable to expect them to behave when they are tired, hungry and need to sleep?  Or when they are excited?  Or upset?  Is it reasonable to expect them to know that you are tired and therefore they should be quiet and less demanding?

WHAT DO WE ACHIEVE WITH YELLING?

Interestingly, when we yell at people they are usually shocked, upset and hurt – and this tends to make them go quiet (of course, sometimes they get angry and yell back).  Also, they actually get a little depressed.  If you are bigger and more powerful than them – then they are intimidated as well.  So it comes as no surprise that children are the same.

This means that when we first yell at our children, they often go quiet, and we get what we want.  Unfortunately, the situation does not stop there.  The yelling is not forgotten.  And the child remembers.

Now things get complicated.  What does the effect of yelling have on the child?  This is where the child can have a range of reactions.  And there are a lot of possibilities – lets discuss just a couple:

1.      The child may choose to go quiet all the time, then starts to lose self confidence, becomes nervous and finds things overwhelming.  They                 become quick to give up, they develop a fear of failure and they are focussed on rejection.  These children often grow into adults who are       loners, have few friends, and frequently suffer depression in their adult years or

2.      The child learns to yell back, and thereby tries to protect itself from an angry, aggressive parent.  In addition, the child learns to be angry               themselves and will criticise others, and be aggressive.  This is the child that becomes the school yard bully who never does well at school.

As you can see, either outcome is pretty undesirable and gives us children who develop dysfunctional behaviours, learn to have poor self images and develop low self esteem.  And this is just two of the possible range of outcomes!

HOW MUCH YELLING IS TOO MUCH?

Everybody yells sometimes, don’t they?  Well, this may be a popular saying, but that does not mean it is true.  I mean, think about it.  Do you yell at your work colleagues?  Your neighbours?  Police?  No of course not.  In fact we usually only yell at people we have power over, such as our children (if you are yelling at your spouse that is another problem).  What is more interesting is that yelling is a learnt behaviour!  I often say to patients, if you show me someone who yells all the time, then in most cases we will find that person has had a parent or older sibling who yelled at them when they were young.

But let’s get back to the question.  When is too much?  Obviously, there are lots of pros and cons for this argument, but I adopt a more simpler approach.  I say, look at how impacting the yelling is having on the recipient.  If they are enjoying it, feeling good and you are enjoying it and feeling good – then there is no problem!  Unfortunately, we are more likely to observe the recipient being quiet, upset and unhappy, and definitely not enjoying it.  The short answer is ANY yelling is too much yelling.

AN ALTERNATIVE

Is there an alternative to yelling?  The answer is a very loud YES!  There are plenty of ways to control, influence and relate to children without yelling.  First you need to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with your children.  If you want a power relationship, with you in control and them with no power – stick to yelling, because that is what yelling does.  On the other hand, if you want a mutual loving and caring relationship where your children obey you because they love you and want to keep you happy then we need to talk about a mechanism call Positive Reinforcement.

Essentially, Positive Reinforcement is a way of rewarding children for doing the things we want them to do.  And giving them no reward if they do things we do no want them to do.

Yelling - Part 2