Its 3 am and you are awake.  Its pitch black and there is not a sound.  You are not sure what woke you up but you cannot hear anything.  After a few moments you sense a presence!  There is something in the room with you.  Suddenly, the presence pulls the bedclothes aside and gets in with you!

You feel this small (usually freezing cold) body against yours.  You child has got out of their bed and they are now in with you.  You must be happy, because they are!  Of course, they are now very comfortable, but for you the night has just begun!

Is this a familiar story?  It is to me.  There are many reasons why children get out of their bed and seek to get into bed with the parents.  Just some of them are bladder control, they are cold, they are frightened, they have been having bad dreams or worse, it’s a habit they have developed!  And this is one of the things that I want to talk about.  But first lets discuss sleep deprivation.

If you are not getting enough sleep, your body will let you cope but you will slowly lose performance and if you do not catch up on that missing sleep you will get what is called a Sleep Debt.  This is when you need to catch up on a lot of sleep because you have not been quite getting enough each night.  When you have sleep debt, apart from looking terrible in the mirror, you will have other symptoms.  Such as being intolerant of others, no patience, moody, poor concentration, feeling flat, susceptible to stress and being easily overwhelmed.  If the sleep debt gets worse the symptoms get worse.

This means that if you are being woken up regularly each night, then your sleep is being disrupted and you are not getting the required quality of sleep that each device needs. So it important that when we put the children to bed they stay there.

Lets look at what happens in the middle of the night.  The most common event is the child that comes into bed every night (sometimes twice a night), in those early hours.  What happens? Well, most people are so tired that they just can’t make themselves get up and put the child back to own bed.  Especially, if the child “kicks up a stink”.  So, they just move over and try to get back to sleep.  That’s OK as a short term strategy, but it has great big holes in it if it’s a long term strategy.  For example, when if you can go back to sleep.  Have you noticed how most children end up in bed at right angles to any adult in the same bed?  Has anyone ever been able to sleep in a child like that?  I haven’t.  The other problem is that letting a child visit you in the middle of the night create a habit.  One that can become permanent if you are not careful.

If you realise that this habit now exists with your child, but you say “I am too tired to do anything about it at night”, I might ask you a question. How do you feel about being woken up in the middle of the night for the foreseeable future?  I think the answer to that it is obvious!

So what should we do about the situation?  Well first lets recognise that with sleep deprivation we are probably not going to be the most calm, cool and collected parents on the block.  Just the opposite.  So don’t fall into the trap of “talking to the kid” during the day, or worse, first thing in the morning when we have just woken up.  The child won’t understand what you are going on about, they will feel guilty that they have done something wrong, and they will still visit you that night.  Besides, you could make things worse, because you will increase their stress, caused them a greater worry, which in turn will make them more restless at night, and therefore make them more likely to wake up in the middle of the night!

My suggestion for fixing the problem is an easy one. The first thing to do, when your child comes into bed in the middle of the night, is to get up straightaway and take your child back to their own their bed.  Be assured they will complain, but be firm with them and do not give in at this crucial moment.  But you do not have to be a monster, you can sweeten the deal.

For example, you may wish to lie in bed with them (in their bed) for a few moments until they settle.  Remember, their bed will be cold now.  Just make sure you do not fall asleep there yourself!  If they are a little older, you may wish to reassure them, and comfort them that there is nothing to worry about, while spending a few minutes with them until they settle.  Don't make the mistake of being firm and disciplinarian at this point.  Remember, your child is just as sleepy as you are, and are just as disorientated and confused.  The only difference is you are the parent.  Or in other words, having a shouting match at 3 am will not solve the problem.

In the morning you may wish to congratulate and reward them for going back to sleep when you put them in their debt.  When they have their first night of sleeping through, make a big deal about in the morning.

Be prepared to do this for several nights in a row.  For most people it takes a minimum of two weeks to learn a new sleeping pattern, the same well apply to your child.  So be prepared and be patient.

Of course, this is pretty hard when you yourself are suffering sleep deprivation, but the alternative to not addressing the problem is to have the problem around for a long, long time.  So, be persistent, control your mood and remember that your child is not choosing to be deliberately difficult.  They come into your bed for comfort and reassurance.

One final point.  If you are doing your best and the child is still waking at night, then they are maybe other factors at work.  It might be time to seek help.  It's a tough job being a parent and we need all help we can get.