Confidence Building

Its never too early to start!

I talk to many parents about their children, and one of the things I often ask is what they would like their children to finally become when they are adults.  Often, the reply is that they would like their children to be confident and successful.  I often reply that success is in the eye of the beholder, but we sure can do a lot about building confidence.

Again, confidence is different things to different people, but for the purposes of this discussion, I will discuss confidence as meaning that a child has the ability to overcome fear, to believe within themselves, to have faith in their own judgment and most importantly, to have their ability to cope with stress and tension, and still be able to go on to succeed.

I am sure that most parents will agree that the development of confidence in children is most important.  So, how do we develop out children to have confidence?  Well, the answer is quite surprising.  In reality we do not have to do anything, very much, to assist out children to develop high levels of confidence.  Just a little bit of positive reinforcement.  A stranger response, isn't it?

Well, perhaps we should look at why some children do not become confident, and then the previous statement may make more sense.

Sometimes, in my practice, I have parents who present their children to me, complaining that they are shy and quiet.  They will sometimes say that the child will quickly burst into tears whenever confronted and is often pushed around by other siblings.  So then I ask the parents a series of questions.  Who in the family does the yelling?  Who in the family is critical?  Who in the family loses their temper from time to time?  Does the child get positive reinforcement when they do something right?  What happens when the child makes a mistake?  If there are older siblings, why do they pick on the younger one?  And finally, what have you done to fix the shyness?

And then I ask questions of the parents like - are you both under stress?  Are there money problems at home?  Are you both getting along well?  Do you find the children demanding?  Are there problems at work?  Is there bickering in the family.

I am sure that you are beginning to catch the drift.  Often, but not always, I will find that the child is living in an environment where both parents are under stress, short on the tolerance, with one or both parents quick to temper or sarcasm, or worse, one of the parents is a perfectionist and quick to criticize that same child.  Of course, let's not forget the good old fashioned yelling.  One of the most destructive and confidence destroying activities that a parent can engage in!

All of which, make a significant contribution to destroying a child’s self esteem and corresponding level of self confidence.

So let's go back to my original point.  And that is, there is not that much you need to do, as a parent, to build confidence in children.  Good old reliable positive reinforcement will do a very adequate job of looking after that.  Rather, as a parent, it is important to focus on not destroying confidence levels in our children by being critical, negative, angry, sarcastic, irritable, unaffectionate, distant and insensitive.

It is a simple message, but I am often surprised by the number of parents that do not understand what they are doing to their children through ignorance, stress and being busy.

Children face a great deal of pressure and stress as they grow up.  School can be both a very exciting and very fearful experience.  Spending time in the creche can be a significant intellectual and character developing experience, or a harrowing period of separation anxiety.  The child’s level of personal confidence will clearly determine which experience they will have in just these two examples.  Personal confidence in children is very important.

Loving and caring for your children is also very important, but not enough by itself.  The role of a parent is a very demanding and challenging experience, which if you get right, will be very rewarding and gratifying.  But it means that you need to think about your role as a parent and what you want for your children.

So, let me give you a short little formula to maximise the development of high levels of self-confidence in your child: Love them, show them affection, encourage them and treat them as people.  Do not criticize them, be irritable with them or lose your temper with them.  Perhaps, from time to time, you should remind your self why you decided to have children.  Oh, and just one small point - it is impossible to love a child too much!  Think about it!

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