Dreams and Nightmares

Not many people realise that we all dream when we sleep.  Even if you do not remember your dreams, never the less, you will still dream each night when you go to sleep.  This also applies to your children.

Interestingly, many people do not contemplate the fact that their children dream.  Yet they do, just like everyone else.  Psychologists argue that dreaming is a very important aspect of psychological well being.  Dreaming carries out a number of important functions for the brain during sleep.  We know this when we carry out experiments where subjects (all volunteers) are denied the opportunity to dream during sleep.  They experience a range of symptoms including mood swings, poor concentration, marked reduction in coping ability and so on.

Children need to dream and they need to do a lot of it.  They also require long periods of sleep to help their bodies grow.  The brain does a lot of development during this time too.

Unfortunately, I occasionally come across parents who literally are not giving their small children enough time to sleep!  They usually attend my rooms reporting that the kids are irritable, uncooperative, demanding, uncoordinated, losing their toilet training, wetting the bed and so on.  Interestingly, the kids seem to get sick more often as well.  When I get a good history I find that the parents keep the kids up late, get them up early in the morning and make this a regular routine.

I had one mother explain to me that she often bathed her 6 year old at 11 o’clock at night!  She had been referred to me by the school as the teacher was concerned that the child had a learning disability.  Yet the reason for the poor scholastic performance was that the child was simply not getting enough sleep and was not able to concentrate in school.

But I am getting distracted, lets get back to the dreams, and in particular the nightmares.

One of the many functions of dreaming is to assist the sleeper to come to terms with important emotional issues that are occurring in that person’s life at the time.  For children, it can be issues such as going to school for the first time, learning to play with other children, coping with demands from older siblings or the introduction of a new younger sibling.  What ever the issue, the child will dream about it.

Where there is an interesting difference with children, as opposed to adults, is that children will often wake in the morning and remember the dream as being real!  That is, for them, it actually happened! 

Your child may emerge from bed in the morning and launch into a discussion about the man who was talking to them or the dragon they were sitting on or car they were driving or asking you why you would not let them have the lollies that were in the shop!

Your next response is very important.  If you laugh, or make a ridiculing remark, you will make one more contribution to jeopardising the parent child relationship just that little bit more.  But if you listen intelligently to the account, engage in the conversation, and gently explain that it was a dream that the child had.  That it was not real, just a way to passing the time while we sleep.  Then you will have made an important contribution to the parent child relationship.

But lets talk about the nightmares.  These are dreams of significantly stressful issues or experiences that the child is very concerned with, and will probably be quite upset with when they experience them.  In fact, the child will often try to avoid going to bed or will insist on sleeping with someone (such as mum or dad) in order to feel safe at night.  Being firm with such a child and forcing them to go to bed is a bit like sending someone to live in a horror movie where there is no exit!  You wouldn’t go there yourself, why send your child.  Best to reassure the child and slowly convince them that they are safe and that you are sure that they will not have any bad dreams tonight.  It may take a few nights to convince them so be patient.

Essentially, you need to be understanding and caring of your child when they are having bad dreams.  The child is being traumatised in a way, and this can be very unpleasant for them.  Your job as a parent is to be there for them.  Let me give you some ideas.  Firstly, if your child is having nightmares this should tell you that your child is under stress – do something about it.  Secondly, offer your child psychological support – listen to them tell their story of the nightmare and take it seriously.  Be sympathetic and supportive.  Thirdly, offer ideas and suggestions – tell your child to imagine themselves in the dream but in a superior position (like being a giant or having an invisible shield to protect them).  You will need to teach them a little on how to imagine this.  And finally, fourthly, make sure that your child has had enough sleep and that your routine works around the needs of your child rather than making your child have to work around the needs of your routine.

Remember, you cannot love your child too much.

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