Stress Management in Parenting

One of the most joked about aspects of parenting is how demanding and stressful it can be. You know, how little sleep you get, how the house is always in chaos, and how next time we leave the kids at the babysitter, we would like to pick the kids up again when their 18!

We all make jokes about it, but unfortunately, it is very true. Parenting is demanding and stressful! It takes it out of you and we find it very hard going at times. So, there are times when we need to sit back and look at ourselves and honesty ask, "how are we coping?". I am sure that there will be a variety of answers, and if your answer is the one that says "I'm fine", then you don't have to read any further. You have it under control and you don't need my advice.

However, if you are one of the people who did not give the above answer, then we have lots to talk about!

But first let me tell you about some of the people I see, who consult me about their children. The complaints are varied, of course, but there are a number of common themes. For example, a popular one is that the kids will not listen, or do what they are told, or obey instructions, or for that matter, the kids argue back all the time! There seems to be no organisation in the home and everyone is falling over each other! There are lots of instances where parents are laying down the law, and being stern - if they can be heard above the din!

When I am helping a family, I always get a history of the family, and I often find that the undesirable behaviour being complained about is usually occurring during times of high stress in the family. Its obvious that the kids are reacting to the parents and vice versa. In fact the most stressed people in the family are usually the parents! Of course that is no surprise to anyone.

Parents are usually quite tired from being busy with all the demands of running a family, including meals, sporting events, cleaning and so on. Not to mention the demands of work, paying bills and trying to make the money stretch as much as possible. Unfortunately, the kids are usually tired from the same things!

So stress in families can easily occur and it can quickly occur! And the stress affects each member of the family, without exception. But the key point is that the parents are the ones who have the most influence upon the development of stress and are best placed to do something about it!

But let me get down to some specifics. The most common characteristics of stress amongst parents are intolerance to unreasonable antics by the children, feelings of frustration and anger, inability to provide that tenderness and loving that all children need (by the way - young or old child, makes no difference, they all need it), and the situation where we have 2 parents who fall into bed at night, exhausted, with little time for each other because they are both so tired! Sound familiar?

So, the question is what to do about it?

Well, if you have ever been to a stress management seminar, you would have noticed that one of the most significant outcomes from attending the seminar was that you became aware of the problem of stress. Awareness is the first step. If you know you are stressed you can at least take some steps to address it. You can identify the stressors and do something about it.

And that brings us to the next point, being proactive. Many people sit back and wait for things to happen! Unfortunately, when we are under a lot of stress, the nature and demand of stress tends to make us reactive rather than being pro active. Which means that we tend to deal with each crisis as it develops then madly catch up with all the other matters we had to put aside while we were dealing with crisis. Of course, in the meantime, the next crisis is waiting in the wings! So being reactive does not break the cycle, rather it perpetuates it.

Logically, the best way to stop this vicious cycle is to stop being reactive and start taking some initiatives - be proactive!

Have a look at the situation, identify the problems and make some decisions to fix it. So the first thing is to actually sit back and look at your situation. Are you doing things because you have thought it through and its part of your overall game plan, or are you doing it because you have always done it that way, and for no other reason? If there is no well considered reason for why things are done in a certain way, then you need to consider if you should continue to do things that way.

For example, look at the way you get the kids off to school, or what do you do at meal time, what happens when the kids come home from school, and what is the routine for getting them off to sleep? The pattern or routine that you have may be efficient or inefficient - the way to find out is to review it and make changes as necessary.

Many family patterns are established through trail and error, and in reaction to situations, rather than a lot of forethought. Although, in fairness, those patterns that are planned are often superseded by children growing up, families growing in number or simply moving house! So it is usually a good idea to review and re evaluate the family procedures and practices, to see if they still work or if there is a better way to do them. Be proactive and make some changes!

You may have noticed that I have placed a lot of emphasis on family procedures and routines. This is because routines are the most efficient way of getting around the logistics of family life. It all takes time, energy and money. Therefore, it is logical to do this in the most efficient manner possible, and to do this, sometimes you need to sit back and reflect, but don't stop there - make decisions and carry them out!

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