Yelling
(Part 2)
LAST
ARTICLE
In my last article I wrote
about Yelling and the destructive role it plays in raising children. I discussed the way yelling causes increased
levels of
stress for parent
and child, and how it has very little benefit for either.
I also discussed why some parents yell and how it can
become a viscous
circle of yelling (often with the child yelling back).
In fairness, I also discussed how frustration, stress and
anxiety can
sometimes motivate us to yell at our kids, and that this was a
temptation that
all parents face (on a day to day basis – I might add).
But I also suggested that
there was an alternative to yelling, and this is what I want to talk
about in
this issue.
POSITIVE
REINFORCEMENT
Last issue I spoke about
Positive Reinforcement. A basic and
simple parenting technique that can control and influence our children
until the
day they die, and that means long after we have left this mortal coil! Positive Reinforcement is a way of
influencing,
controlling and
developing our children. It is a
simplistic idea that can be applied to the role of
raising children in a range of sophisticated ways that result in
perfectly
behaved children that are loving and lovable!
Sounds great doesn’t
it? But like all things in life, you do
not get something for
nothing. Use
of Positive Reinforcement must be consistent, sincere and used with
fore
thought. Let me explain.
DOG
TRAINING
Think of training your dog
(or cat). Most people are familiar
with the idea that in dog training you praise the dog for when it does
the right
thing and withdraw love and praise when the dog does not do the right
thing. All dogs seek love and praise from
their master. They will do almost anything
for love and affection (and I
might add so
will I and most other people!). Most
dog trainers will tell you that hitting or yelling at your dog when it
does not
do the right thing will usually make things worse, and slow down the
role of
training significantly. So the
consistent and patient use of praise with a dog, over time, will get
you a well
trained, lovable companion.
Now if we substitute the
word “praise” with the word “positive
reinforcement”, and we substitute
the word “dog” with the word “child” –
then we have the perfect
formula for having perfectly behaved children who we love and who loves
us!
Essentially, Positive
Reinforcement is a way of rewarding children for doing the things we
want them
to do. And giving them no reward if
they do things we do not want them to do. Applying
this technique in a consistent and patient manner, over time, will get
us a
loving and lovable child!
Let me give you an example. When my wife and I were teaching our 4 year
old (who is
now 41/2) to help
clear the table after dinner, we said things like “my goodness,
what a very
good girl for helping mummy and daddy put away the dishes, you have
made us feel
very happy and we are proud of you!”. We
then carried on a conversation between us, that the 4 year old could
hear, where
we both commented to each other about how pleased we were to be helped
by the 4
year old. After a few nights of
this, that same 4 year old helps not only with the dishes, but with
lots of
other things as well (sometimes we feel a bit over helped). How long did it take? Just
a
few nights! We have applied this to
other tasks around the house with similar results.
Let me clarify that our
objective was to teach the 4 year some life skills – not to give
her chores
around the house. So we only ask
for help with table clearing from time to time – not all the time. That’s just our philosophy – it
may not be
yours.
It is all about simply
praising your children for doing the right thing for you and not
undermining
that action by yelling or worse, hitting them, when they do not obey. So the consistent and patient application of
Positive
Reinforcement, or
if you would like to call it – love and affection, to our
children, over time,
gives them quality parental interaction and gives the parent an
increasingly
reasonable and obedient child. A
win/win situation. Rewarding your
child for doing good things not only reinforces that behaviour, but
avoids that
yelling and frustration cycle that I discussed last issue (if you want
of copy
of last issue – ring my office).
I should mention that if
you
have already established a different interaction pattern with your
child,
involving yelling, criticism, anger and so on – then you are
likely to find
the benefits of this new approach to be a little slow in the early
stages, but
you will get improvement over time. So
it is important to persist, but do remember that you will get
cooperative and
obedient children who will love you for it!
SO
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
Simple.
Treat your children the way you would like to be treated.
Tell them when they have done good, reward them with praise as often as
you can, be patient when they stuff up (after all they are still
learning) and
take an interest in what they say and do. As
they get older, and you get better at doing this – you get a
cumulative effect
when very little effort is required to get the desired change in
behaviour. Put simply – praise your children a lot and
often, don’t
hit them and don’t yell at them.
Back to ARTICLES