DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Dealing with difficult people is one of the most exacting experiences one can have. No matter what your role at work you will have to deal with the people of that organisation, and perhaps even worse, other colleagues and related professions. The problem is that not all dealings with all people go according to plan! (The more cynical amongst us could suggest that few dealings with people go according to plan!)

DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Lets clarify that we are not talking about the easy going, warm and friendly individuals that come into our lives from time to time. No, we are talking about the difficult ones. The great time wasters! They love the sound of their own voices! They need to tell every irrelevant fact regarding the issue. They need your total and undivided attention. At the time, they are emotionally driven individuals who are poor time managers. They are consumers of time! They can be stressful, and they can ruin your whole day. But what is worse is that without them we would have no reason to work.

So dealing with difficult people is very important because we need them for our business, and we are supplying them with a service. So, seeing as we have to deal with them, lets look at why are they difficult?

WHY ARE THEY DIFFICULT?

There are a wide range of reasons why people are difficult when we have contact with them. It may be that they are just difficult or it may be that we are dealing with them at a bad time. Or even worse, the problem may be us. But let's look at some other common reasons people become difficult to deal with.

• They have had no previous experience with the issue. This means exactly what it says. When a person has no familiarity with the topic or issue that they are dealing with, they are often apprehensive, nervous and unsure of themselves. They may become defensive. When people become defensive they can very easily become offensive.

• They may have been traumatised or upset by the issue itself. People can be very upset by an issue that they feel passion about, and this can destabilise them in many subtle ways, which we are not expecting. The person can appear to be behaving perfectly normal in the discussion that you're having with them and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, burst into tears and become uncontrollably upset. Or worse, they may become suddenly aggressive and antagonist in their behaviour. You have accidently pressed a button!

• The person may have unreasonable expectations due to a stylized view of your role. Everyone has expectations. Its just that some of them are unrealistic. However, the holder of such unrealistic expectations often does not know that and will act accordingly.

• They have been badly handled by your staff or a colleague & they are now angry. In this instance they are out for revenge. They want to make someone pay for their embarrassment, their inconvenience and for any other difficulty that they may be having in life at the time.

• They have no understanding of the working constraints that you operate under.

• They handle stress by being aggressive. Simply put, some people handle stress, fear and anxiety by being angry and aggressive. Yes, it is a dysfunctional mechanism for dealing with such pressures, but not everyone thinks logically!

• They are doing this under the instruction of their silent partner. Not all relationships are fair, open and equal. Sometimes, the person doing the talking is not actually the person making all the decisions, but are simply following instructions from their partner, the decisions may have been made before they spoke you. The problem here is that getting information third hand loses detail, and the spokesperson may be more focused on what their partner wants, then what is to be achieved in a meeting with you.

• There may be cultural differences. Dealing with a person who has a Western background of experience can be entirely different to dealing with a person who has an Arabic background of experience. To be really different, try some of the African cultures. This means that you may be getting different signals than what you are thinking you are getting.

SOME CLINICAL ISSUES

Of course, the person may be difficult because of mental illness, rather than the points that I have raised above. Let me discuss some of the different Personality disorders and psychopathologies that exist. I should point out that it is widely accepted that only something like one percent of the population is affected by severe mental illness.

• Histrionic Personality, Borderline Personality, Multiple Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia, Dissociation, Agitated Depression, Stress, Anger, Anxiety, (divorce could be considered a clinical condition).

WAYS TO DEAL WITH THE DIFFICULT PERSON

Well, it is all well and good to talk about why people are difficult to deal with, but perhaps we should now focus our attention on how to deal with them when they are being difficult. Their are no limits to the lengths one can go too, to appease someone else, but for the sake of this exercise we will restrict ourselves to be more pragmatic options available. Although, there are those who would argue that groveling has its merits!

• Understand the problem from their perspective. Understanding is a key concept in all communications. If you understand why a person is behaving the way they are behaving, it is often easier to deal with them, and to undertake steps to minimise the more adverse effects of their behaviour. You should ask yourself "why is this person behaving this way?", you could also ask yourself "how should I react?".

• Soothe them and be supportive in your manner and language. Often talking to someone who's upset, in a soothing and relaxed manner, can have the effect of calming them down considerably. It can also set the mood for conversation, give them reassurance and reduce the likelihood of escalation.

• Give them your attention, even if you have many demands upon your time. Often we are very busy, and there are many demands upon our time. Sometimes, when we have someone in front of us who's competing for those demands, we are tempted to dismiss them quickly so that we can get on with the other many busy things we have to do. For many, this can be like waving a red flag at a bull. Take a little time out, look them in the eye and listen to what they are saying.

• A smile is the best form of non verbal communication. There has been a lot of material written about non verbal communication. But, there is no form of non verbal communication that is more effective, and more penetrating, and effective then a smile!

• I am not the enemy. Remember what your job is, and remind the other person as well. Sometimes we have to give information to the person that they may not want to hear. Unfortunately, there is no nice way to deliver this information, and it is often the case that the messenger is it dealt with in the same way as the message. You need to tell the person that you are on their side, that the message is the problem, not you!

• Ease the tension, coffee/tea/magazine, but don't overdo it. Sometimes a simple thing such as offering tea or coffee, or a magazine to read can be sufficient to ease the apparent tension that the person may be suffering. Its also good customer relations. But, don't overdo it or you may simply overwhelmed them.

• Be assertive but not aggressive. We hear a lot about assertiveness. There are assertiveness courses that we can do to get in skills of this area. Let me draw your attention to the important difference between being assertive and being aggressive. You are assertive when you take a position that you believe in. You are aggressive when you argue that position, whether the listener likes it or not.

• If you have to listen, whether you want to or not, do not give polite feedback, just listen. Sometimes we are faced with a person who is not really talking to us, but rather, talking at us. With this kind of person it is best not to give feedback, simply listen to what they have to say and wait until the end. Often, this person is not interested in what you have to say and will take any response from you as an indication of dissent, and will simply escalate their attack.

WHEN TO BE ASSERTIVE & WHEN NOT TO

Let me expand a little more on when to be assertive and when not to. Obviously, we have to be selective about what technique we apply in a discussion. There are times when it is a complete waste time trying to make your point. Best to just let it go, and chalk the matter up to experience!

There is a big difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Ask yourself how important it is to make the point, and whether you are going to convince the other person.

DIFFICULT PEOPLE SUMMARY

Recognise them, understand them, deal with them, do not waste time, be polite, do not lose your temper, debrief from them. And accept that they are part of our work life.

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